there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
