I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
