I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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