so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Still dying that you shit outside
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
