i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
