12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
