A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
