I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
bring money and cleavage
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
