oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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