my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Michael Bay diarrhea
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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