Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
