Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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