when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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