Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
