Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
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He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
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The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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