remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
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Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
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I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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