I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
