I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
