Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Randomize
