Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
