Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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