I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
