Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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