He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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