I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
