you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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