I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
