why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
