Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
