Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
id be glad to
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
