I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
