I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
