Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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