its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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