Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
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stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
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Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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