I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
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