hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
