I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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