I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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