Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
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I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
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This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
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