my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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