Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
