remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
