I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Randomize
