I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
