She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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