There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
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