Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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