i jhust puked up my retainher.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
