this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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