Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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