it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
