Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
