his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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